The Stupidest Idea Ever
by becoafamu
Summary: In which Riku kisses himself, and kinda likes it. Riku / Riku Replica.


Now, Riku tried not to be too judgmental. His friends had complained about it before, and he had been struggling to change his outlook. After his flirtation with darkness, he had doubly resolved to turn over a new leaf.

But this? This was the stupidest thing ever. And Riku had seen quite a few stupid things. Most of them had to do with Sora. But this time, it had absolutely nothing to do with Sora. And yet, boy, was it stupid. The Big Bang of idiotic scientific experiments.

"You are _weak_!"

"Really?" Riku said out loud. He didn't want to dignify the situation by bothering to hide his thoughts. "The best these people can do to get rid of me is make a _fake_ me? This is the stupidest idea ever." It couldn't be said enough.

"It does not matter if you are the "real" Riku. You are weak!"

"Did they only teach you how to say one thing?"

"No one 'taught me' how to say anything- I am you. A better version of you."

"You smell like wires."

"Humans cannot smell wires!"

"So you're made with wires then?"

"No!"

"So what_ are_ you made of? Snakes, snails, and puppy dog tails?"

"No! I am not made of those things!"

"Do you want to be a real boy someday?"

"SILENCE!"

Riku scratched his head. Better to cut to the chase. "So, you're me, huh?"

"Yes. I am an exact replica of you. Without your pathetic fears and weaknesses."

"Why am I weak?"

"You are trapped in this castle like a rat."

"Wait, I'm in a castle?"

"You will not accept the darkness!"

"You can't _handle _the darkness!" Riku was getting annoyed now. The novelty of having a wacky double was wearing off quick. This was the stupidest conversation ever. And besides, no one but _him_, the _real _him, was allowed to talk about his darkness. It was personal. A little too personal.

"So, Riku Replica… are you here to kill me, or something?"

"Yes. And do _not_ call me that." Riku smirked. He rather liked the nickname, and it had been upgraded to love now that he knew that the Riku Replica hated it.

"Why, exactly? Did someone tell you to?"

"No. I just hate looking at your weak little face."

"You do realize we have the same face, right?"

"Yes. But mine is not _weak_." Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

"So, do you have a weapon of some kind? Or are you just going to annoy me to death?"

Riku Replica summoned his keyblade with a feral yell. Riku made a mental note never to make that noise ever again. He summoned his own blade with the practiced grace of a true original, and grinned at the surly fake.

"So, Riku Replica, what do I get if I win?" he challenged.

"You are not going to win! I will _end _you, you _weakling_!" As Riku parried the replica's first attack, he pined for the lost opportunity to teach himself how to banter properly. Though he supposed it made sense that such a stupid project wouldn't be able to come up with a better insult than "weakling."

"I mean, really_,_"he thought aloud again, because honestly, it wasn't like anyone important was listening. "How could another me possibly _not_be awesome?" He blocked another attack and ended up face-to-face with himself. "I am dead sexy, though."

These last words were apparently enough to shock the Riku Replica. Not for long, but it was enough of an opening for Riku to disarm him. Because the _real _Riku would never allow himself to be distracted during a fight. One of many not-so-subtle differences.

"Hey look, I won. Wanna gimme a kiss?" Riku smirked down at his double. Unfortunately, he underestimated Riku Replica's penchant for taking things literally.

"Why would I kiss you? You are a boy," he puzzled. He seemed genuinely confused by the thought. And god, he thought Riku was actually _offering_?

"Zuh. First off, that was definitely a joke. And second, didn't you say you were me?" Riku pushed his keyblade closer to Riku Replica's throat to preemptively quelch the ravings about superiority and weakness. "_Real_ Riku likes to kiss boys."

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why? Like you've ever been kissed- you've only been alive for what, 20 minutes?" Riku Replica was silent for several minutes. Riku was on edge.

"What is it like?" Riku lowered his weapon. The replica looked almost sad. Like a creature that had been alive for 20 minutes and had suddenly realized that no one would ever love him. Or maybe that was giving Vexen's creative abilities too much credit. He was probably just horny. Which gave Riku a terrible, awful idea. Hey, how many people get the chance to make out with themselves?

"You wanna find out?" It was all he could do to keep from giggling like a schoolgirl.

"Yes." Riku snorted. God, this was stupid. But the sheer ridiculousness of it all steeled his resolve, and he kneeled down to face his double. Riku Replica scooted back.

"What are you doing?"

"You want to know what it's like to kiss a boy, right? Well, you're never going to meet anyone better-looking than me." Riku Replica seemed to agree with this sentiment. Riku was secretly glad they'd managed to copy his ego, even if everything else was messed up. Maybe this wasn't quite as stupid as he thought. But then, the fact that he was about to _kiss _the stupidest idea ever kind of plummeted the whole situation into horrifying new depths of stupid.

Riku was soon way up close and personal with, well, himself. He gazed into his own bright eyes, watched the way his own silver hair fell around his face. Wow. He really was a sexy beast.

"Well?" Riku Replica was getting antsy.

"Psh. Don't get your panties in a twist. Just follow what I do," Riku ordered. And then he gently pushed his lips against Riku Replica's. They were, of course, the exact same height, and both of their arms hung limply at their sides, which teamed up with their crouched positions to make things a bit awkward. But it felt nice. A bit nicer than preparing to smooch yourself probably should feel.

After a moment, Riku began moving his lips into a soft kiss, and the replica followed his movements exactly. The kiss was, for lack of a better word, perfect. Their lips matched, their motions meshed. Sort of what one would expect from kissing oneself, especially if one is a good kisser to begin with, and Riku had it on good authority that he was. He deepened the kiss automatically- no tongue, because tonguing yourself would be way over the threshold of 'too creepy' in his book- but open enough to taste his copy. He tasted like darkness and fake. The taste made Riku feel nauseous. He broke the kiss.

"That," he said plainly, "is what kissing a boy feels like."

* * *

"And _that_," Riku crowed, "is how I _objectively_ know that I am a better kisser than you."

"What the heck? Riku, you just made all that up!" Sora thwapped him in the face with a pillow.

"Did not!" Riku thwapped Sora right back, and a brief pillow fight ensued, after which the two lovers collapsed back onto Sora's bed.

After a quick breather, Sora spoke. "Dude, Riku. What ever happened to the Riku Replica? Last I saw him, he was running out of the castle."

Riku yawned. "He came after me and I had to gut him like a fish."

"Really?"

"Yep, he's dead. It was awfully depressing."

"… Wow. That's morbid."

"Yep."

"… Want some ice cream?"

"Yeah, sure."


End file.
